Reinvention on paper.

Reinvention on paper.

It’s midnight.

I’ve got the front window open and I can hear the rain hitting the pavement.  Usually that would put me to sleep, but for some reason, it’s inspired me to open my MacBook once again.

So again, I’m sitting where I feel like I’ve been sitting for weeks now… at my kitchen table.  With a computer screen in front of me, an iPhone that needs constant charge because it’s blowing up at all hours, and a big glass of water.  My fiancé finally went to bed and says, “Babe.  The show’s over.  You can take some time off.”

I shoot him a look that’s both comedic and sympathetic.  Because him and I both know that there will be no “time off” for either of us anytime soon.

September has been a whirlwind of music and wedding preparations (or lack thereof, so more like “wedding talk”).  From coordinating musicians for gigs, to all sorts of meeting downtown, recording sessions, radio interviews and showdowns, to releasing my single, living on social media to promote release and shows, putting out fires all across the board: music-technology breakdowns-family-friends-fiance THEN we have bridal showers and my birthday and my bachelorette party, constant questions about center-pieces & party favors, and dress fittings and I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO FILL IN FOR ME.  Haha. But really 😉

People are surprised I’m handling it all as well as I am.  To be honest, I’m just handling what’s in front of me… and music was first so it’s gotten my full attention.  It’s been a hard thing for a lot of my family/friends to come to terms with … that I could be so completely focused on music with a wedding just weeks ago.  (To clarify, it’s in less than 2 weeks now.).

Launching myself again as an artist has always been the goal, it’s always been the calling.  I had no idea that the Universe would conspire to make it a reality literally TWO WEEKS before my wedding.  But…”when it rains it pours”…in all the best possible ways, for once.

After yesterday’s successful Single Release Show, I see things clearer.  First of all, there’s no way I could be happy not doing music.  Secondly, the love I’ve received from everyone coupled with the emotions I’ve felt are thankfully less overwhelming knowing that I have someone to absorb it all with me.  It’s not a balance between music and the wedding.  It’s a balance between music and my relationship.  The wedding will happen, with or without the perfect party favors or a majestic bouquet, or ties that match perfectly with dresses, blah blah blah.

The most important thing that will happen: Jon and I get married.

I’m sitting here, reflecting on what the last 10 days have felt like… and how I’m going to have to make the shift mentally in order to make the next 10 days a success.

The last 10 days have seen me the most stressed and exhausted I’ve ever felt, but also the happiest, the most humbled, and just genuinely grateful I’ve been in a very long time. From rallying everyone to vote for me in the WYCD Showdown and WINNING 5 nights in the a row…all the way to the Hall of Fame!  Then with preparations for the Single Release Party, and the reality of how many people were involved and what a big production it was going to be.  To rehearsing with the band for the first time…hearing the songs from a record that almost everyone had given up on ever being released…come back to life again in the span of one evening.  The press, the tweets, the comments, the shares, the photos that everyone shared in support of me and my “little song that could”…it has truly blown my mind.

I wrote these songs while living in Nashville, hoping for something different but not knowing what it looked like.  I knew I wanted to pay homage to Detroit because it is a huge part of me that I felt was never truly represented in my music.  So we made it happen.  Little did I know, I’d be foreshadowing my return to Motor City.  Little did I know that the love of my life AND a career resurrection was waiting for me in the exact place I thought I had to leave in order to attain it.  It fills my heart to give thanks to what a full circle moment all of this has been.

My birthday was September 22nd.  Three birthdays ago, I was a miserable mess.  I took myself solo from Nashville to New York City for my birthday week, just so I could escape everyone and the life I couldn’t seem to find happiness in.  I was strolling the streets one morning and decided that I needed a new journal…you know, since “this year” was going to be different, I didn’t need to write new chapters in an old book.  I bought a journal at a local bookstore and found the nearest coffee shop to sit down and start writing in it immediately.  And I’ve been writing in it ever since.

Last birthday, I got engaged.

This birthday, I spent an amazing day with my fiancé and gave so much praise to God for all the tiredness and stress and love and affirmation I’d received that year, and most certainly, that week.

When I sat down this morning to write about all the excitement of the weekend, I saw that I’m on the final few pages of the journal now.

I find no coincidence in the fact that I documented my biggest life transitions, my personal growth, finding love and figuring out how to keep it, my prayers for myself and my family, my musical frustrations and accomplishments… all in 3 years.

From complete hot mess to matrimony & new music. All in one journal.

And now, I get to start a new journal in a few more pages.  As a wife.  As an artist.   Two things that I truly almost gave up on believing would ever happen for me.  And even though there’s a part of me that still can’t believe this is really my life right now…

I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.  For once I can say that and believe it with everything I have.  And many thanks for helping me get here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The beauty and total weird-ness of “engaged”

So for those of you that are late to the party… I’m engaged.

Yes, I know.

Start praying to your God because the apocalypse is near.  Ha.

But really.

Thirty-one days ago, I said “Yes” to a guy who kneeled down beside our bed with a big diamond ring.  While I sat there, makeup-less and sporting bulldog pajama pants, completely stunned.  It was without a doubt, the easiest “Yes” I’ve ever given in my life.  Granted, I would’ve much preferred to look stunningly beautiful in some lavish treehouse where stardust was sprinkling from the sky…but hey… it was still sweet.  And caught me completely off guard.  Quite the feat.

And the beauty of it was, I never had even a moment’s hesitation.

Yes.

This is it.

This is my human.  I found him.  And even better…

My human WANTS to be tied with my crazy ass for the rest of his life…like, he thinks HE’S hit the jackpot with ME.  Clearly, he’s insane.  Lucky for me.

And it’s been a blissful month.  Strange, in some regards.  And definitely, a huge reminder to myself (and those around me) that I am rather far removed from the typical girl’s frame of mind with being “engaged”.

First of all, please let me preface this with… I AM SO HAPPY WITH THIS MAN!  He is the only person I could ever say/think/feel ‘forever’ about.  He’s the weirdest, most generous, down for an adventure dude I’ve ever known and he makes me better without ever asking it of me.  I literally cannot believe that someone knows all my bullshit…my hot mess of a past…this “wrecking ball to the self-esteem” dream I continue to chase…the balance in my checking account currently…my obsession with my larger than life family…supporting that I live in another state 50% of the time…the reality that I’ll never love his dog half as much as he does…my inability to apologize most of the time…(you catch my drift)…and yet…

He will stand before anyone and everyone and promise me the best and the rest of his life.

Holy shit, ya’ll.

Just typing that (and the 3 glasses of wine I’ve had) is making me tear up majorly at the moment.  I never thought I’d see the day that I’d get engaged.  And to be completely honest with you, I was more than okay with that.  Because a ring on my finger was never a part of “the dream” (just ask any guy I’ve ever dated/family/friends).  I never envisioned what a wedding would look like.  (Or owning a house.  Or having children.  Or basically, anything that a normal adult would see for their lives.)  Simply put, that was never in my “check” boxes.

So to be wearing a ring of my finger for the last 31 days, and to have not lost/misplaced it yet, is truly wild.  That being said…

Being engaged is fucking weird.

People congratulate me constantly…for what?  I mean, I too am happy that I have this guy and that I’m no longer wasting time getting wasted with douchebags.  Because those that know my story know that it ain’t been the prettiest.  I’ve been through some real shit.

But to congratulate me feels odd…like I accomplished something super impressive…the impressive part was finally allowing someone deserving into my world and loving him back.  The ring is just a beautiful bonus.  But even still…

I’m only part way to the finish line by Pinterest’s standards.  

Because apparently there’s this whole wedding thing to plan/obsess/lose my shit over.

And the unavoidable “so you’re going to have children?” conversation.

Let me say this.

I can’t not roll my eyes at the word “fiancé”.  Nor do I care about a date, a dress, a venue, color schemes, the selection of the wedding party, keeping my nails well-manicured to show off my ring, picking out baby names, or anything else that isn’t about one thing and one thing only…

Me & him.  Him & I.

The ones doing forever.

So yes,  I did wait almost a week before I announced my engagement on social media.  Yes, we still haven’t changed our Facebook relationship status.  Yes, you will have to ask to see my ring because I won’t think to flaunt it for everyone I see.  Yes, it’s true, we don’t have a date or a plan yet and we are totally okay with that.  And yes, if him and I were only thinking of ourselves, we would’ve eloped yesterday.

And yes…the moment I realized I didn’t care about the attention or validation like I thought I was supposed to was when I knew…

This shit is real, this is right…

This is cemetery plots side by side.

Bring it on, baby.

And a whole-hearted “THANK YOU” to the followers of this journey…sweet Lord, we’ve seen it all and I love you for loving me through it ❤

 

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