So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to commit to “mental health mornings” to start my day. Aside from waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to work out, I’ve been trying my best to take advantage of these early morning rises to “check in” with myself too. So after our work-out, and my boyfriend showers and heads off the work, I sit out on the front porch and read up on the book, “Jesus Calling” with my journal in my lap. Also, for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been keeping up (or at least, attempting to) with Oprah & Deepak’s 21-Day Meditation Experience series, “Desire and Destiny” through their website. Now, I wouldn’t say that meditation/yoga/mantras/affirmations and all this are necessarily my “thing”…but I’m trying. Why? Because stagnation and I can no longer be comfort buddies.
Not that I’m stuck, per se, but the need to expand my mind and get out of unhealthy or limiting thought patterns I’ve become privy to in the past has become increasingly apparent as of late. I am embarking on a complete reintroduction in the next couple of months and it’s scary, to say the least. New music, new branding (because apparently that’s a thing in the music business), new documentary, new message, new me…well, at least, an evolving me.
To put myself so front and center for so many to hear/see/judge feels equally part paralyzing and empowering.
It has been a long time since I’ve been in “Artist Mode” aka “a bright ‘effin spotlight to see if you’re really as good as you think you are”… Which is crazy considering I’ve always been “doing the music thing” as so many people casually refer to it as. Even worse, when people literally ask the question every music person hates more than politics, “So are you still doing ‘the music thing’?” For those of us writing songs, singing demos, waiting tables, driving Ubers, singing background vocals, taking meetings even though we’re not exactly sure what for most times, slowly saving up money for a photo shoot or a recording session, trying to figure out how to create our own website, constantly needing to replace a roommate or two, physically attempting to make our social media numbers higher, booking our own shows, playing our latest creation around town with the hopes that a bigger artist somehow hears it and records it, figuring out how to release new music so that more than just our family and friends think it’s good (but also hoping that they’ll start thinking we’re actually doing something with our lives now), checking our bank accounts and feeling depressed every time so now we check it even less, going to shows and trying to get a handle on our social anxiety as we also try introducing ourselves to someone who might be someone someday, attempting to rise above the rejection of the “cool clique” of music biz peeps when they ignore us because we aren’t “somebody” yet, finding the motivation and passion to keep going when it’d be easier to just give in and give up…
Why yes, we are ALL still “doing the music thing”, thank you for asking.
On top of that, now I’ll also be releasing an album that’s been tied up for awhile now and has me feeling all sorts of nervous and ready and like, “Holy shit, I hope people don’t think this sucks”. And with that release, I’ll be reliving some painful shit because the album is literally a live recording of some pretty dark places I was in at the time. Sprinkle on top of that, taking a bunch of photos and videos and trying my best to look skinny and pretty and young. The cherry on top being, obsessing over how many plays, views, “likes”, follows you got that week…because that’s “Artist Mode” headspace…and once you’ve had it off for awhile, it feels a weeee bit overwhelming when you turn it back “on”, HA!
*** Speaking of “following”…be sure to ‘Follow’ my blog for future posts ***
Not that I never “un-became” an artist. I’ve always been one. Literally, from the time I was 3 years old and belting The Judds from every family member’s fireplace stage. Or at 4-5 years old when I voluntarily secluding myself on a daily basis at pre-school to draw crayon pictures of a stage with red curtains, a redhead holding a guitar, standing in front of a mic. Or when I was 8-9 years old and riding my bike in secret to the lake, where I’d sit with a notebook and write songs and poems. Ages 13-17, when I was up until 1am the morning of a show, burning CDs and printing/slapping on sticky labels to hand out to everyone that would listen to me. To when I graduated high school and couldn’t move to Nashville fast enough, with $1000 from my graduation party and a 1997 Ford Escort full of clothes with a little too much Little Mermaid (and Wynonna) memorabilia. To every song I’ve written since, some of which felt like if I didn’t get out of me, those feelings/those words would eat me alive.
These things don’t go away. They aren’t temporary, they aren’t a phase. You don’t outgrow them. It’s embedded in you. You can attempt to suppress it if you’re lucky. You can follow alternative roads. You can chalk it up to a daydream or “that was another life”. There are definitely days I wish I knew how to do that. There are days I’d love to know what it’s like to have a career in a field with a salary and health benefits. Or what it’d be like to have a little diva crawling around my house, the spitting image of me, teaching her to sing Carole King songs before she learns to talk.
But that isn’t me. It was never me. A wise woman once told me, “You can’t make an elephant a giraffe.” I think I’m the elephant in this scenario…? Ha.
Even from a music stand-point, being “musically active” and being in the “Artist” headspace are two very different things, and it’s been an internal tug-of-war for me the last few years. I thought that I could quench this thirst by constantly singing…whether it was with background vocals for other people on stage and in the studio, writing songs, singing demos, being around music-makers, etc. etc. Turns out, I’m still thirsty. Because as wonderful and inspiring as all of that is, it’s only half of the dream. And I know A LOT of killer female vocalists that will agree with me on that. Not because we want to be famous or win a Grammy…but because we have our own thing with it’s own fire and that comes with a burning desire to share it, despite how terrifying it seems sometimes.
And the reality of me extinguishing any of the dreams inside of me are virtually impossible. It doesn’t happen. Believe me, I’ve tried in the past. For the sake of true transparency here, I tried a lot… one toxic relationship after another, co-dependency, drinking, going broke, thinking the absolute worst of myself until I made my thoughts a stinging reality at some points, surrounding myself with the wrong crowd, losing confidence in my gift, not loving or respecting myself enough to forgive my missteps, exhausting myself “keeping busy” rather than moving forward, causing my family to borderline stage an intervention, doubting that anyone would even listen or support me if I tried to step out again, and at least 271 other ways I tried to find a way “out” of my true calling.
But guess what…?
I lived through it all, SO much better for it.
I lived through it all, with a new-found appreciation that I still have the option for my calling…which, is more like a screaming than a calling these days.
And with that, it’s become abundantly clear that there was really only one choice for me all along.
The music thing.
(All the props to my co-writer & musical genius friend, Bonnie Baker for her cool office/writing space vibes in this photo!)